Witches

Most men are rightfully terrified of women. He that says otherwise has yet to meet that special someone who can read his thoughts, reduce his motor skills to naught and dictate his every action through various hexes. To call such women witches, however, is unfair and inaccurate as most witches are simply females whose subversive powers have been clearly identified. Persecuting the worst of them can provide temporary security from dark forces that men can barely comprehend let alone defeat.

When it comes to witches, it is important to look at the facts. Even though all women have some level of demonic power – seen through their regular bleeding and ability to do more than one thing at a time – not all women are ‘witches’. If history has taught us anything, it is that witchcraft often rides in tandem with independent thought and the inability of women to know their place. Fearing what we do not understand and muffling talkative females is mankind’s best defence against the concubines of Satan.

The fight against witches is a long one, some say eternal. Science may provide us with a reassuring blanket of reason, yet bad things continue to happen and we can be certain that witches are involved. The Egyptians, Babylonians and Romans all knew this and dealt with women responsible for drought, famine and disease in their own fashion. While the Old Testament is specific in its treatment of witches, it took those meddlesome new-age Christians to label witch-hunts as superstitious, with Charlemagne even outlawing the persecution of heathen women in 794.

Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind.

Not until the end of the Middle Ages was there a resurgence in the study of witches and for many centuries they had walked free amongst the populace. With the backing of Pope Innocent VIII, the first field guide to witches was published in 1487 by two German monks. Known as Malleus Maleficarum (‘The Hammer of Witches’)*, this beautifully presented book was a true product of the European Renaissance. Packed with handy hints, it was widely used to identify those women who had bedded Beelzebub and described the most effective methods to prosecute them.

The next two hundred years saw a Golden Age in witch-trials across much of Europe and the American colonies. In the midst of constant religious struggles caused by the Reformation, God-fearing folk could cast aside the shackles of political correctness and put witches back in their place. Right-minded people agreed that magic was not superstition and witches could even, at times, do positive things. What people needed protection from were witches who did harm or maleficium. Tell-tale signs included women dancing naked, men’s penises disappearing and orgies which involved eating your own babies.

Historical estimates suggest that 40,000-100,000 women were executed for witchcraft in early modern times – a good start by any reckoning. Sadly, the politically correct pendulum swung back in favour of witches, witchcraft laws were gradually phased out and the last execution in Europe took place in Prussia in 1811.

Despite this, there are encouraging signs of a revival. Many African nations have professional witch-finders and an estimated 200 women are put to death as witches in rural India each year. As recently as 2006, Fawza Falih was sentenced to beheading in Saudi Arabia based on the testimony of a man who accused her of causing his impotence. Unfortunately, she died last year in her prison cell before the sentence could be carried out.

* Known as Die Hexenhammer in German – possibly the coolest book title in history.