Evangelists

A collective sway consumes the room with the ebb and flow of a sea vessel. The dull, continuous hum of the waiting crowd resembles an old refrigerator waiting to reveal its inner brightness. A creaky organ gradually warms up in the corner as divine feedback whines over the PA system. The last few plastic chairs slide across the wooden floor as the final stragglers take their places. The moment swiftly approaches, the hour is nigh.The flood lights illuminate the stage, the Holy Spirit is unleashed with a roar and the man of the moment appears on stage. Welcome to the realm of the evangelist.

Combining the authority of a priest and the illusory personal touch of the motivational speaker, evangelists are not just good shepherds, they’re exceptional ones. Unlike most shepherds, the garden variety preacher attracts his sheep with billboards and catchy slogans. He poaches the flocks of other shepherds and offers unique insights into being a happy lamb. A symbolic relationship exists between the charlatan and the sheep. The suspension of disbelief is aided by placing the word ‘Pastor’ in front of the name of any theatrical individual wearing a silver suit that the average sheep could never afford.

The sordid co-existence of repressed urges and bouts of public ecstasy forms the keystone of evangelical architecture. Originating in US, these weekly emotional orgies are now multinational organisations, welcoming sinner after sinner to instant chequebook gratification. Transforming the dreary traditions of puritan Protestantism into musical and rhetorical masturbation, evangelical services never fail to result in a predictable therapeutic climax. Repent. Absolve. Repeat. By reducing the content of the holy book to choice one-liners, difficult moral and textual questions are avoided. Evangelism is to theology what the Abdoer-Twist is to regular exercise; reducing a complicated and difficult book into bite-size sugary chunks to ease digestion.

 "Your wallet is getting sleepy..."

The beauty of being a Pentecostal pastor is that anybody who can project their voice loud enough can do it. The task is made all the easier by a willing and enthusiastic audience who take peer pressure to a whole new level. Amongst a crowd of hyped-up worshippers, one can sense the impending repentance, the upwelling of tears and the loosening of various tongues. Right-minded people of gentle disposition become unrecognisable when miracles are approaching. An environment of infinite welcome radiates from the bleating flock. The lonely, the uncertain and the forgotten are thrust gently onto the stage by the tearful converted to be born again. There is nowhere else such a superficial display of human self-reflection and the abandonment of individuality.

Is there naught to be gained from such a display? Indeed, there is a multitude. Traditional churches can only gawp in envy at the dollars earned by the vanguard of Pentecostal Evangelists and Televangelists, driving heads and wallets into a frenzy with as much as 95 billion tax-free dollars raised each year in the US alone.* How about the suits? The stadiums? The private jets? According to purveyor of god’s word and global businessman, Benny Hinn, "God will begin to prosper you, for money always follows righteousness." Why do people listen then? The search for meaning in life is a difficult quest to be certain, and being told the answer is much easier than asking the question. All you need to do to make money is to dispense the answers at the pace of a Bold and the Beautiful plotline and the sheep will tune in every week.

In the meantime, the churches grow richer and the business model is catching on. Congregations in traditional churches are losing crowds to the glitz and glamour of evangelical churches and the US, as always, leads the way. Shameless miracle workers and prophets are popping up worldwide from Asia to Africa – with no shortage of silk suits and fine shoes. While witnessing a crowd speaking in tongues might make you question the power of the human mind, a packed stadium of forty year-old women crying to emotional rock ballads should remain Bon Jovi’s territory.

* A 2005 estimate based on GDP - churches need not declare financial statements.