Germany

With an ambition to dispel and/or exploit stereotypes the world over, today’s instalment of DDW’s Complete Generalisations About Other Cultures fattens its sarcastic sausage in honour of the forest nation of Deutschland. After half a century of providing the world with an endless supply of Hollywood cannon-fodder, the 2006 World Cup in Germany saw the Jerries waving their flag with pride once again, showing the world they are still the prudish know-it-alls we all love.

Contemporary Germans are generally modest and polite, albeit straight-forward compared to the English manners Australians have (somewhat) inherited. Efficiency is one quality all Krauts like to boast and after looking at the cars, the trains, the autobahn, the recycling, the education and the economy it seems to add up. However, after witnessing twelve Germans look at a map for 40min only to open it up again at the next intersection, the validity of this efficiency comes into question.

Up until Napoleon force fed escargot to Europe, the Holy Roman Empire was a chessboard of independent principalities for the better part of a thousand years. In practical terms, it would be easier to name the thirteen hundred German breweries than to discuss German history. Simply speaking, German kings and princes fought each other over religion, land and sauerkraut until the Prussian Movember Champion, Otto von Bismarck, united the Germany in 1871. Now, the closest thing you’ll find to a German monarch is Queen Elizabeth II*.

Movember 19th Century Style: 'The Teutonic'

If factories and well maintained roads are not your thing, German food should be enough to get your knees slapping. Start the day with a leisurely two-hour breakfast including processed meats, four kinds of butter and bread heavy enough to build a house with. Mix things up a bit for lunch with bratwurst, mustard and bread heavy enough to build a house with. Come dinner time, remember that nothing washes down a light and healthy 850g slab of pork like a litre of Bavarian wheat beer.

Beer is one of the most important facets of German nationhood. The Reinheitsgebot, or beer purity law, was enforced until its repeal in 1988 which prescribed barley, hops and water as the only three ingredients allowed in German brew. Such simplicity pales in comparison to the other German cultural icon – extremely long compound words. While ‘Preliminary World Cup Qualifying Match’ is a single word, the hands-down winner is the 1999 Wörter des Jahres which is (deep breath):

Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz**

Considering that most Germans speak better English than the average Australian, it is worth seeing more than just Oktoberfest. Whether you’re being chased out of town for asking for the Dusseldorf variety of beer in Cologne or trying to pretend a bunch of frigid Berliners getting naked in the lake doesn’t make you uncomfortable, Germany is the place for you. Although if you think trying a Basil Fawlty impression through the streets of Berlin is really original – chances are you will be severely reprimanded by the Techno Viking.

* Her grandfather, George V, changed the family name to Windsor in 1917 after he and his German cousin, Kaiser Wilhelm II, had an argument on a ski holiday.

** Although only a legal term, this word does exist and can be translated as the “beef labelling regulation and delegation of supervision law”.