Meetings

White-collar serfs can appreciate the assistance a staple or two to the eyelids can provide when meandering through a coma-inducing list of agenda items. For those who have never experienced the corporate world, meetings are the only activity that can make a group of koalas on a 36-hour gumleaf bender look like an energetic and enthusiastic bunch. Meetings are a church service where a congregation of executives gather to worship their own mutual and perpetual uselessness.

The habitat of mindless managers and their hapless retinue, meetings have a lot more to do with modern language – especially American English – than people care to notice. One can scoff at the verbal acrobatics of politicians and their uncanny ability to wriggle out of answers, yet this skill is more akin to the boardroom than any parliament. After providing these indicative observations robust consideration, shall we rigorously enhance our functionality and facilitate a consultative consensus moving forward?

Fuck no. The reason politicians speak the way they do is because such demonstrable drivel works so effectively in business meetings. Rather than admit fault, fess up to a mistake or ask a straight-forward question, language is devoted to concocting divisive methods to expand simple answers into unintelligible, meaningless rubbish. After falling victim to and being the perpetrator of these techniques, I can only hope to help you, dear reader, to see through the waves of bullshit in business.

"We need to action-plan this issue: chocolate or cinnamon muffins?"

Next time you want to pass the time in a boring meeting, try this game an equally frustrated colleague of mine once suggested. Prepare a list of buzzwords for each contestant (such as collaborative, synergy, traditional silos, stakeholders, implementation, participatory) and keep your pen at the ready. Depending on the verbal habits of the manager in question, the first contestant to complete their list shouts “Bingo!” The aim of the game is to see how many weeks said manager takes to realise the joke is at his/her expense.

There are other means to bring disreputable purveyors of corporate fluff to heel – without risking your job. Meetings create the perfect environment for these simple and effective methods:

• Repeat statements back to the person in plain speech 

“We continue to research supplemental methods for electronic distribution while waiting for industry-wide cohesion on this topic.”
“So, you haven’t done anything yet?”

• Highlight when buzzwords of the day are incorrect

“Can we diarise those dates to further develop of this initiative?”
“Sorry, let me just correctivate my diariser. I biro-ised it incorrectly.”

• Use buzzwords in nonsensical fashion and watch heads nod

“By retroactively going forward, we can align our redundant methods with our future strategic objectives and reduce inactivity in a pro-active fashion.”

Ironically, the bad habits lampooned above are not deplored during meetings, but revered. Bamboozle colleagues as they politely nod with agreement and earn yourself an approving look from your superior.

For the sake of sanity and the English language, take it upon yourself to never say ‘moving/going forward’. I know how tempting it is, but how far we have moved forward as a civilisation without having to say moving forward? Think about what you’re saying: if you’re reconsidering your position moving forward, you’re actually moving backwards; if you think of alternatives moving forward, you’re moving sideways; and if you put me out of my misery and shoot me moving forward, I’m movin’ on up and nothing can stop me.

P.S. If you feel like a laugh, check out Weasel Words for regular updates of ridiculous corporatespeak.

P.P.S. Feel free to submit the best bullshit phrases that plague your own workplace for it would please me well to hear them.