Buses

With Sydney’s transport infrastructure clogged like the arteries of a Texan hotdog eating champion, few options remain to relieve the high cholesterol of our roads other than taking the bus. Having never lived near a train station and now without a car, bus travel is my preferred method of getting to work after cycling (a story for another day). In fact, I have travelled to work on buses for the better part of eight years.

The first buses were around in mid-17th Century France when, strangely enough, they were reserved for the well-to-do. While not a new thing, buses certainly have a large place in modern history. Take, for example, Rosa Parks politely telling an Alabama bus driver to get stuffed in 1955 after being told to vacate her seat for a white passenger, all the way to Harry Potter hailing the Knight Bus after telling the Dursleys to shove it during his pre-apparative days.

Buses are natural selection at work, with various species all vying for methods to secure the next generation or, more specifically, a vomit free seat*. The crafty, the determined and the strong find their seat in history while the weak, the feeble and the stagnant all remain standing. Longer bus trips require higher levels of commitment – when fifty people queue up for a 45min bus route from Sydney’s trainless north-west into the city, you need to be at the top of your game.

Future plans for rail-bus integration.

Anyone reliant on public transport conforms, consciously or not, to an unspoken code of behaviour which, during my time on buses, I have observed closely in the hope of educating the travelling masses. The general rule is to avoid human contact whatsoever and make sure nobody can sit next to you, a remarkable challenge considering the close proximity of passengers on busy mornings. The proliferation and use of audio devices in recent years has aided passengers in sending a clear message that social interaction will not be tolerated.

Occasionally events transpire that manage to penetrate the audio force field such as someone asking for directions who then force their way into weather-related conversation before headphones can be reinserted. Conversely, for those who escape into books, there is often a nearby Emo with his bottom lip pinned to his left nostril compelling you to imbed an emergency glass-smashing hammer through the fringeless section of his skull with every plagiarising pulse of his Wolfmother-blaring, Twilight-stickered headphones.

Everybody gets on really well on the bus when they can ignore each other in peace. Even if accidental conversation is initiated with a person regularly at the same bus stop each morning, rest assured that neither party wants to continue this charade and will sit as far apart from one another as possible upon arrival of the bus. Like men at a urinal, passengers are drawn towards empty space the moment seats are vacated and they expect you to do the same. Here are a few final tips to secure a comfortable ride on any bus system:

1. Feign an injury – Do not underestimate the power of a slight limp on a busy bus. Hobble past the driver and see how quickly seats are offered to you.

2. Reverse psychology – If an elderly person or pregnant woman complains about not being offered a seat, simply say: “Make the assumption that you cannot support your own weight? I would never be so rude.”

3. Try not to shower – Body odour is a sure fire way to secure a seat on a crowded bus and is has excellent anti-conversational effects.

4. Role-reversal – As many seasoned bus-travellers are well aware of these techniques, continually forcing people to remove their headphones out with idiotic questions boils their blood in minutes.

5. Leg spreads and sleeping – Encroaching on someone’s personal space with a leg spread is useful for the longshanked. Sleeping on someone’s shoulder is an exceptional method to get rid of a seat-sharer.

Happy travels!


* If you can handle your own vomit – a tactical spew should not be ruled out as a seat-securing measure.