Call Centres

In order to destabilise and dishevel the machinations of the Corporate Technocracy in which we dwell, Danny’s Daily Wisdom hereby vows: to rid our lives of the inane, answer-driven nature of customer service in all its forms; to highlight the rice-paper foundation of brand loyalty and the way in which our ability to be heard is quashed by mindless placation; and to educate you how to deal with the trained monkeys poked into diffusing your every concern to the point of futility and self-doubt.

If you hadn’t already guessed, a lovely experience with a call centre today has inspired this disregard of my characteristic professional conduct. Put simply, we are all the victim of a scam – the scam of customer service. The fundamentals of a call centre are simple: resolve customer queries as quickly as possible in order to take as many calls as you can throughout the day. This formula leaves little room for things such as customer satisfaction, common sense or compassion – generally any human quality whatsoever.

"Little does he know, I forward those dirty emails to his wife."

Some years back, I was an inbound call centre representative for Coca-Cola Amatil. Six months working in Equipment Service gave me a sound knowledge of machinery and basic over-the-phone repairs. I remember assisting a country pub-worker on a Sunday afternoon to isolate a ruptured valve that was filling his basement with soda water. With no hope of getting a technician until Monday, the crisis was averted, the company saved $300 and the publican was eternally grateful.

Despite this apparent success in customer service, I actually failed the call because I “did not refer to the customer by name two times” and “exceeded my call time limit”. I must disclose that my employment was eventually terminated from Coca-Cola for various reasons, mainly due to the fact that I “over-serviced the customers”*. What’s that you say? Over-serviced? The fact is, if I had just booked a technician for the country barman, left his pub to flood and asked “Is there anything else I can do for you?” at the end of the call, I would have received a perfect score.

This is what contact centres describe as “call flow”, the wonderful formula in which questions are asked, customers are dealt with and process is followed to the letter. There are various techniques that are designed to transform your warranted frustration with company X into a reflective self-criticism that leaves you in exactly the same position you were in before your call. My favourite was LAER (pronounced layer) which stands for: “Listen. Acknowledge. Explore. Resolve.”

Next time you ring to complain about your phone bill or internet connection, listen to the subtle language devices adopted. A common practice among call centre workers is to never use negative words or agree to criticism. Instead of “no”, they will say “what I can do for you is…” and instead of “you’re right about our shitty service” they will say “I understand where you’re coming from…” To be fair, they are not trying to be arseholes, but their job is a lot easier if you forget why you were so pissed off in the first place and feel like you’re being unreasonable.

Do not be fooled. Call centres managers/team-leaders are measured on their ability to process as many calls as possible, not, I repeat, not their ability to provide customer service. Call centre workers are rewarded on their ability to log service calls, fill in forms and most importantly, their speed. If you hang up the phone wondering if you had just been swindled by the smooth-talking girl who empathised with your problem, most likely you probably have and your problem still remains. Here are a few tips to make the customer service experience reflect the words for which it’s named, or if you just want to stir shit:

1. Refer to the person by name – Call centre workers are encouraged to refer to you by name so you feel accountable for what you say. Returning the favour works well when you think you’re being fed bullshit.

2. Write down everything – Never underestimate the power of recording names, dates, times and every word spoken. Remember, they will record yours!

3. Do not get angry – Granted, I’m not good at this one, but the one and only way a call centre is allowed to hang up on you is in the event of: “Threatening or obscene language.”

4.  Ask for the team leader – Call centres love a thing called “first person resolution”. If you ask for the manager from the start, they start to squirm and it reflects poorly on the manager when their staff cannot fulfil their duty.

5. Complain, Complain, Complain – The only sure thing about horrible customers who are never happy is that they always, always get what they want.

Fly my pretties!


* Other reasons included: “emailing sarcastic responses to management”; “running through the office” and; “jumping over desks” (True story)