Ironing

Never has a more daunting task besmirched the fabric of society than this diabolical chore. The scourge of young men separated from their mothers, ironing is a hex upon all those shackled to business-shirts worldwide. The hissing serpent of vanity, the steaming sole of an electric iron reminds us with its every mocking breath how this thankless task is truly Satan’s own creation.

Like throwing an annoying cat into a wheelie-bin, ironing is something best gotten out of the way quickly. Trying to outsmart the iron by stockpiling business shirts and trousers only leads to trauma and misery once the cupboard is empty. All this time the iron sits in the cupboard…waiting…knowing that soon its time will come. Before you know it, the rusty creaking of the folding ironing board is grinding against your auditory canal like Justin Bieber singing Guy Sebastian covers.

Invented in 1882, the electric iron was supposed to be a labour-saving device. Little did the creator know that he was unleashing the Kraken upon vast swathes of the populace who saw ironed clothes as unnecessary. Male business clothes were the target market for this suffering and, because men were so bad at it, mothers and wives were forced to iron for the next hundred years. Now, men are not only stuck with more ironing than women, we also have no idea what we’re doing.

Another man pressed into service

Of course, you can choose to say that you don’t believe in ironing, that ironing is a social expectation that we’re bound by and, just like pâté, a luxury based on inhumane suffering*. Well, go ahead! See how far you make it with a crumpled business shirt in this day and age. Unless you’re a system administrator bound to an office dungeon, don’t be surprised when your crooked collar results in awkward greetings from colleagues and half-hearted handshakes from prospective clients.

There must be a way to avoid ironing, right? Tell that to my old friend Mark during our brief days (day) as catering waiters. Naturally, a white business shirt and black trousers were expected for such an occasion, but Mark had a trick up his sleeve to avoid ironing – just buy a new shirt. Little did he realise that new shirts in that those neat plastic packets will double-cross you like a pirate browsing in an eye-patch store. For the remainder of the evening, guests were bemused by a chessboard-like pattern that grew all the more perplexing with each refill of champagne and orange juice.

Everyone loves the feel of a $200 Vietnamese suit and the pronounced professionalism of a polka-dot tie offset upon a Lowes business shirt, but does it really matter that much? Are your abilities as an employee cancelled out by wrinkled workpants? Loosening the bonds between long-chain polymer molecules through heat in order to press fabric fibres into an eye-pleasing shape may seem harmless, but until we have the courage to show up to work or a wedding with crinkled cuffs, evil will always conquer.

* No goose livers were harmed in the production of this article.