Camping

Getting in tune with nature and embracing the bush is a rite of passage for any Australian and the only conceivable explanation for the success of Stagg Chilli. Pitching a tent, pumping up the air mattress and claiming the last folding chair are the only three chores between urban slavery and ultimate freedom. Just like KFC, camping is long craved for beforehand, is both appetising and enjoyable throughout, and leaves you feeling dirty and bloated in the end.

For heathens who deny the Book of Scrub and choose not to sip goon from the Divine Dinky-Drinky, a lifetime of spiritual barrenness awaits you. One cannot appreciate all the layers of life without experiencing the mystical whistle of a leaking gas cylinder, the delicate crunch of dirty toast, the olfactory offerings of morning mildew, the sensual touch of an exposed tent-peg or the sudden darkness of the impending storm clouds that you complained about adamantly earlier.

The real reason people camp is to leave the technology-driven maelstrom of life behind by acquiring as many outdoor/foldable/disposable/storable/wearable versions of everyday comforts as possible. From the Mongols cooking on the backs of their shields in-between killing sprees across Europe to Bear Grylls inventing the Camel Gut Four Man, mankind has sought ways to improve camping to the point where even the fussiest people can enjoy a mobile shower or biodegradable tampon.

The rewards of camping come from the bare essentials.

Everything has such an exciting edge when it comes to camping. Instead of putting the kettle on, you get to risk scalding trying to balance a boiling billy with a wet stick. Instead of washing up, you can create wonderful new dishes with the remnants of previous meals. Instead of using the loo, you explore nature from an angle never seen before. Instead of toilet paper, you embrace pleasure unimaginable from a slice of multigrain or a kamikaze hiking sock.

Field biologists have recently identified a phenomenon known as ‘Absolute Wasted’ – the point in which a camper has reached the maximum concentration of dirtiness, drunkenness and urine-saturation. Symptoms include half-full beers starting to taste like old cigarettes and chairs, which were once upright, lying flat without the occupant changing position. The moment at which Absolute Wasted is reached is often reflected in the UDI count come sunrise*.

All things considered, camping is an activity that goes beyond responsible consumption and reckless self-restraint. It echoes the way in which all Australians have a connection to the land equipped with water and pit-dunnies and wildlife that does not result in helicopter evacuation. So let eucalyptus run through our veins like a goanna through an esky and forever let our identity be propped up with the rusty tent poles of our sunburnt natural splendour.

*More commonly known as Unidentified Drinking Injuries